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[He holds her gaze, his jaw tight. She knows him, so she'll be able to tell that it isn't anger. It's a tension of emotion, a depth of feeling that threatens to overflow and overtake him.]
No, I'm-- I'm asking, like. Is it that simple? [Which is a bad question, one that doesn't make real sense, so he pushes past it--] I don't know what to do anymore. It's like there's two parts. The cottage, and us, and that life. And then the rest of it. And I don't know how to fit it together. Some part of me lives there, and some part of you does, too, and the rest of us is out in the world. It used to be easier and it isn't any longer. And for a time I was thinking that it was Taviano that was--
Look-- [Changing tacks, he pushes away from the fireplace and crosses back to Yseult, to kneel before her and reach for her hands. On this level he's got to look up into her face.] Tell me about it. What happened. I saw it, but only the end of it. I saw what killed him. But I don't know it.
No, I'm-- I'm asking, like. Is it that simple? [Which is a bad question, one that doesn't make real sense, so he pushes past it--] I don't know what to do anymore. It's like there's two parts. The cottage, and us, and that life. And then the rest of it. And I don't know how to fit it together. Some part of me lives there, and some part of you does, too, and the rest of us is out in the world. It used to be easier and it isn't any longer. And for a time I was thinking that it was Taviano that was--
Look-- [Changing tacks, he pushes away from the fireplace and crosses back to Yseult, to kneel before her and reach for her hands. On this level he's got to look up into her face.] Tell me about it. What happened. I saw it, but only the end of it. I saw what killed him. But I don't know it.
Why?
[ She doesn't pull away from his reach, but her head shakes, brow furrowed and lips pressed into a thin line between words. ]
What good will that do? He's nothing to do with with us. He's not the cause of what's wrong between us, Darras, and hearing me tell you how I beat his skull in and left him to die with a knife in his gut isn't going to fix anything. It's not going to make our life before feel less distant from this.
[ She doesn't pull away from his reach, but her head shakes, brow furrowed and lips pressed into a thin line between words. ]
What good will that do? He's nothing to do with with us. He's not the cause of what's wrong between us, Darras, and hearing me tell you how I beat his skull in and left him to die with a knife in his gut isn't going to fix anything. It's not going to make our life before feel less distant from this.
Edited 2019-03-11 02:19 (UTC)
It'll close out that part. It'll close out him.
[His hold on her hands stays the same. Not so tight that she couldn't just shake loose if she wanted to; heavy enough that she feel the weight.]
I was angry. After Llomerryn, I was angry, but all that time I was thinking of you too. With him. What happened to you. I told you, when I first came here. I half thought you were dead. Of everything else that's happened since I first came to be here, and everything that's passed between us, I could call it worth it, 'cos of that first time I saw you. 'Cos of knowing you're alive.
But I want to stop thinking about what I don't know. I want to know so it's done. What happened.
[His hold on her hands stays the same. Not so tight that she couldn't just shake loose if she wanted to; heavy enough that she feel the weight.]
I was angry. After Llomerryn, I was angry, but all that time I was thinking of you too. With him. What happened to you. I told you, when I first came here. I half thought you were dead. Of everything else that's happened since I first came to be here, and everything that's passed between us, I could call it worth it, 'cos of that first time I saw you. 'Cos of knowing you're alive.
But I want to stop thinking about what I don't know. I want to know so it's done. What happened.
You were angry? [ Yseult takes one hand from his grip, to spread across her face, fingertips kneaded into temples, expression half-hidden as she shakes her head, rueful, exasperated. ]
I've told you what happened, and you've seen it. [ There's a heavy sigh in her tone, a fine in the flick of her wrist. ]
He found me out somehow. He cornered me in his office with his two lieutenants. I tried to talk my way out of it, but he was certain. Someone must have told him. I killed his bosun and his first mate. He was better with a sword, he disarmed me. I put a knife in his arm and smashed his skull in with a paperweight. He wouldn't die, he came at me with his dirk. I took it and stabbed him in the stomach. I was searching the office before the rest of the crew came running, but the floor was wet with blood and I slipped and fell out the broken aft windows. Are you satisfied? Can we finish pretending he has any relevance to our relationship now?"
I've told you what happened, and you've seen it. [ There's a heavy sigh in her tone, a fine in the flick of her wrist. ]
He found me out somehow. He cornered me in his office with his two lieutenants. I tried to talk my way out of it, but he was certain. Someone must have told him. I killed his bosun and his first mate. He was better with a sword, he disarmed me. I put a knife in his arm and smashed his skull in with a paperweight. He wouldn't die, he came at me with his dirk. I took it and stabbed him in the stomach. I was searching the office before the rest of the crew came running, but the floor was wet with blood and I slipped and fell out the broken aft windows. Are you satisfied? Can we finish pretending he has any relevance to our relationship now?"
[It's different, Darras might insist, this time, hearing it will be different. But he doesn't need to. She starts to talk, and when she's done--]
It's got relevance. Of course it does. Or it did, but it's-- [It is different. Fit together in a way that it wasn't before. What happened, after she slipped out the window of their tavern room; before he was face to face with her in the Gallows tower.] He's gone. Dead. And it's a good thing he is. That's something we'd agree on, you and me and your employers, even. Maybe the first thing.
It's got relevance. Of course it does. Or it did, but it's-- [It is different. Fit together in a way that it wasn't before. What happened, after she slipped out the window of their tavern room; before he was face to face with her in the Gallows tower.] He's gone. Dead. And it's a good thing he is. That's something we'd agree on, you and me and your employers, even. Maybe the first thing.
What is the difference? That I fought him face to face? Or is it just that he looked you in the eye and put his hands on me? If I had slit his throat while he slept would you wish him back? Would that outweigh the evil he'd done?
[ She looks away only to shake her head again. The giners of her free hand stretch and flex in the air, restless, and then card back into a fist in the knee of her skirt. ]
I don't regret his death. He'd committed terrible crimes and he would have gone on doing it. He deserved it. So did every other pirate I helped him kill. So what is the difference, Darras? You can't cheer this death and condemn the others.
[ She looks away only to shake her head again. The giners of her free hand stretch and flex in the air, restless, and then card back into a fist in the knee of her skirt. ]
I don't regret his death. He'd committed terrible crimes and he would have gone on doing it. He deserved it. So did every other pirate I helped him kill. So what is the difference, Darras? You can't cheer this death and condemn the others.
Edited (fiddling) 2019-03-11 14:53 (UTC)
That's not--
[He sinks back on his heels with a noise of frustration through his teeth. This time, he's the one that lets go of her hand, and he scratches his fingers through his hair again, irritated at the way this has turned beneath him again.]
I do. I hated Taviano in a way I didn't hate the others. I'm glad he's dead. The world is better for it. He was bigger, he was worse-- Y'know, you've never faced up to it, what I told you before. If you killed the others, if their deaths were a righteous act--you still spared me. You stopped me from going to that dinner. You didn't kill me. But I'm with them, aren't I? On paper, in your books, I'm the same.
[He sinks back on his heels with a noise of frustration through his teeth. This time, he's the one that lets go of her hand, and he scratches his fingers through his hair again, irritated at the way this has turned beneath him again.]
I do. I hated Taviano in a way I didn't hate the others. I'm glad he's dead. The world is better for it. He was bigger, he was worse-- Y'know, you've never faced up to it, what I told you before. If you killed the others, if their deaths were a righteous act--you still spared me. You stopped me from going to that dinner. You didn't kill me. But I'm with them, aren't I? On paper, in your books, I'm the same.
You were never really on his list, I just told you not to look for an invite. You aren't as powerful or as bad as the others. They were the same sort of evil he was, even if you didn't care to see it. Remember you liked him once, too.
[ Both hands released, she sits back in her chair and crosses arms against her chest. ]
You like to accuse me of making everything black and white, but it isn't. What you do, as a pirate, hurts people. The way you look at them and the world is wrong, Darras. But others are far worse. Acknowledging that doesn't make me a hypocrite or absolve you. It can all be wrong without all being the same.
[ Both hands released, she sits back in her chair and crosses arms against her chest. ]
You like to accuse me of making everything black and white, but it isn't. What you do, as a pirate, hurts people. The way you look at them and the world is wrong, Darras. But others are far worse. Acknowledging that doesn't make me a hypocrite or absolve you. It can all be wrong without all being the same.
No. It can't be. Because if it came down to it, if I was on a list--not Taviano's list, but another--if it was my name, that was given to you.
[Still on his knees, he spreads his hands at his sides. Open, unarmed. A sort of prostration.]
Would you kill me, then?
[Still on his knees, he spreads his hands at his sides. Open, unarmed. A sort of prostration.]
Would you kill me, then?
Maker, it's like you've never listened to a word I've said.
[ Hands lift to cover her face, fingers pressed into the bony ridge of her brow. ]
Eight months, Darras. It's been eight months since you came here, and I've spent them begging you to no avail and having the same argument a hundred times, and letting you raise my hopes and then crush them again time after time. And now you ask me the same question you asked me that night in Llomerryn, like you haven't learned a single thing in all this time even after I've told you as clearly as I can what I believe and what I want from you. It's all brought us nowhere. I could almost kill you now.
[ Hands lift to cover her face, fingers pressed into the bony ridge of her brow. ]
Eight months, Darras. It's been eight months since you came here, and I've spent them begging you to no avail and having the same argument a hundred times, and letting you raise my hopes and then crush them again time after time. And now you ask me the same question you asked me that night in Llomerryn, like you haven't learned a single thing in all this time even after I've told you as clearly as I can what I believe and what I want from you. It's all brought us nowhere. I could almost kill you now.
Because you don't make sense!
[Near an explosion, the way it falls. Darras hauls himself to his feet so he can pace away again, back toward the fireplace--and then around again, back toward her. Like a caged lion, pacing.]
You tell me one thing, and then you send me away. You say you want something and you say you're begging me and-- You're begging me? What about me, begging you?
All I've ever wanted, was you. Haven't I given it all up? You've not asked, where the Fancy is. Now, is that 'cos you know, 'cos you've got spies on it, or 'cos you don't want to be thinking about it. You want me, [doggedly, now, pressing on,] to be what I'm not. You want me to be you, or close enough to you that you can stomach it. I'm not. I won't ever be. We're the same, we came from places so similar it's like we were written in a story, but you went one way and I went another. And you love me. You do. You love who I am, what I am, and you tell me that you don't, and you want me to believe it. But you fell in love with me just as I did you, 'cos it was without all the rest of it. That's what I know to be true. That's why I was still here, three months ago, seven, five-- And it's not enough. You think I'm not seeing, but you're not seeing, either.
So you'd not kill me. What d'you do if I leave?
[Near an explosion, the way it falls. Darras hauls himself to his feet so he can pace away again, back toward the fireplace--and then around again, back toward her. Like a caged lion, pacing.]
You tell me one thing, and then you send me away. You say you want something and you say you're begging me and-- You're begging me? What about me, begging you?
All I've ever wanted, was you. Haven't I given it all up? You've not asked, where the Fancy is. Now, is that 'cos you know, 'cos you've got spies on it, or 'cos you don't want to be thinking about it. You want me, [doggedly, now, pressing on,] to be what I'm not. You want me to be you, or close enough to you that you can stomach it. I'm not. I won't ever be. We're the same, we came from places so similar it's like we were written in a story, but you went one way and I went another. And you love me. You do. You love who I am, what I am, and you tell me that you don't, and you want me to believe it. But you fell in love with me just as I did you, 'cos it was without all the rest of it. That's what I know to be true. That's why I was still here, three months ago, seven, five-- And it's not enough. You think I'm not seeing, but you're not seeing, either.
So you'd not kill me. What d'you do if I leave?
But we're not without all the rest of it anymore! [ Look she can match his frustration. ] It's all here and I can't just forget it. I can't ignore half of you just because I loved the other half first.
And I don't want you to be me. I want you to be the better parts of yourself. I know you're capable of caring about people. I've seen you be kind and generous, but you choose to shut that off and ignore the consequences. And Darras every time that you come to me and you start this fight and you act as if you cannot possibly fathom what I mean, and you sulk about how unfair it is that I don't want to be with you as long as you believe robbing people is fine because you enjoy it and that's what freedom means--every time, I love you a little less. Honestly, if you left I would mourn for what was and what might have been and then I would say a prayer of thanks that you left before you could taint any more of my memories. If this is as far as you are ever willing to go for me it's just not enough.
And I don't want you to be me. I want you to be the better parts of yourself. I know you're capable of caring about people. I've seen you be kind and generous, but you choose to shut that off and ignore the consequences. And Darras every time that you come to me and you start this fight and you act as if you cannot possibly fathom what I mean, and you sulk about how unfair it is that I don't want to be with you as long as you believe robbing people is fine because you enjoy it and that's what freedom means--every time, I love you a little less. Honestly, if you left I would mourn for what was and what might have been and then I would say a prayer of thanks that you left before you could taint any more of my memories. If this is as far as you are ever willing to go for me it's just not enough.
It's exactly like you're a child [ she snaps, in instant, thoughtless reply. ] "It's always on me, why do I have to change, why can't you change, why isn't this change that costs me nothing and means nothing good enough instead?" It's on you because you're the only one here who thinks the whole world should turn bandit if they like and won't spare half a thought for the consequences.
[His look is wounded, first, a clear plain flash that passes over his face and is then gone, replaced by something darker, angrier. The lines of his body tense. He's still stood across the room from her, but the argument fills the space in between them, and the thick blunt wall of his anger.
She only has to endure it a moment. Just a wave of it, and then it cuts off when he turns to go for the door, wrench it open so he can step out into the hall.]
She only has to endure it a moment. Just a wave of it, and then it cuts off when he turns to go for the door, wrench it open so he can step out into the hall.]
[ It's not quite a flinch, but there's an immediate hint of regret beneath her own anger, this sudden flare-up from her constant simmering frustration. But she braces up, stares him down in return and does not apologize. She doesn't follow him, either, except far enough to shut the door behind him. ]
The Provost acts in his own interest. To the extent that the Inquisition has afforded him power, he has taken it; to play at the Chantry, the same.
This is not to say the point ill made. What have you been told of the reasons for establishing this Outpost?
This is not to say the point ill made. What have you been told of the reasons for establishing this Outpost?
Edited 2019-04-26 15:41 (UTC)
Little, but I can guess. I can see the value in our apparent independence. Skyhold and the Divine may well see it, too if we asked them. But I question the manner and the reason. If we must break all ties like this because there are factions here so extreme they can't be convinced to see that the war is more important, how do we trust they will not turn the entire organization to their own ends once we have bent to their demands for independence?
We cannot. But we might ask what they have done already. Our attachment to Skyhold has done nothing to bring them to heel -- concessions pacify only those content to follow. Those have never been our problem, but they will balk for the force necessary to solve it with permanence.
We have tried an anchor and found it ineffective. Instead Skyhold is funding pet causes at cost. Those may be steered more effectively when Kirkwall imagines itself free to; if they are not, the Inquisition has at least stopped chasing a fucking rabbit.
We have tried an anchor and found it ineffective. Instead Skyhold is funding pet causes at cost. Those may be steered more effectively when Kirkwall imagines itself free to; if they are not, the Inquisition has at least stopped chasing a fucking rabbit.
How will they be steered? As things are, Skyhold can refuse funding, or an action can be rejected that would damage the entire organization's effectiveness. There will be no such excuses once ties are cut, to be replaced with the Provost's personal guarantee that he alone can convince them to behave?
Skyhold should have refused funding before this. What has it stopped? Still we fell towers, sow chaos, loan ourselves to thieves. There is never reprisal, and I cannot muster one alone.
I do not know that we may salvage Kirkwall, Scoutmaster. I do know that we can blunt the damage to the Inquisition in doing so.
Edited 2019-04-26 16:50 (UTC)
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